So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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