I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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