saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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