Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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