I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize