WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
