I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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