He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
