Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
