So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
