sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
