Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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