My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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