I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
