my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He shit in the fireplace
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
