I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
