Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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