Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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