his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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