I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
