no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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