We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just pee around me
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
