the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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