Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
