i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize