i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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