I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
