I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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