Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
