You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
