I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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