Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
