[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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