i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
