If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
