So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
