Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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