Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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