1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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