I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize