The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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