my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
