my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
