she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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