They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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