Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
