Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
