After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
