the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
