I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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