I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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