i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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