her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What a dumb baby whore.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
