last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize