"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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