I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
