Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You're a waste of cheezeits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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